Self Control and Eating Disorders

This piece was written anonymously and submitted to the Asian American Health blog.  For obvious reasons, the writer’s identity has been disclosed.

The question is, how can you stop an eating disorder?  Honestly, you can’t.  There is no drug or remedy for stopping an eating disorder but there is a lot of self control and training involved.

I’ve long battled the reality of my eating disorder.  Sometimes it comes in phases and sometimes I feel like I’ve left it in my past.  But I’ve come to realize that my eating disorder is something that remains with me, is part of me and somewhat defines me as a person.

Some may think that’s a bad thing.  In general eating disorders are bad.  I’m in no way condoning having an eating disorder.  It’s the worst feeling in the world.  Imagine drug addicts and the things you hear about their experiences.  How they need to get their fix to fill the emptiness.  In a way, an eating disorder is like that.

Purging my food was my drug.

At first it started off with trying to lose weight.  I was never an obese child, however when my mom’s family immigrated to the US from the Philippines and lived in our home for a couple of years, that’s when my sister and I put on the chubs (my word for fat).  My mom’s brothers and sister worked in fast food joints and frequently took us out to eat.  When we didn’t go out, they brought home food from their work.

There must be this fulfilling pleasure in the Filipino culture seeing little kids stuff their faces.

The irony of my eating disorder started with my uncles and aunt feeding my sister and I all the time.  I guess when the chubs became more apparent a growing concern to look normal became an issue in the household.  Of course the joyful comments about having plump children in the house lead to teasing and mean comments swayed at getting my sister and I to stop eating.

I remember a family gathering one weekend.  All the kids sat at the kid’s table during dinner time and out of nowhere my dad demands me to stop eating in front of the family.  In that moment I wanted to sink in my chair and hide the crimson of my face.  But it was moments like that which fueled my self hate and insecurities.

At school I was the happy and smart kid who never did anything bad.  But inside I was less proud of myself because of how I looked.  The tipping point was when one day, I was off to grab water in the kitchen and my parents accused me of sneaking food for myself.  I was thirteen at the time.

My reaction was anger and even more hate for who I was and what I looked like.  In my silent protest I refused to eat a meal with my family that day.  The next day my protest continued.  On the third day of my protest I could feel my family feeling bad for what they accused me of and agreed to sit at the dining table with them.  I played with my food, but honestly, the rejection I felt from my family left a bad taste in my mouth, so bad, I didn’t want to eat anymore.  There were moments where my stomach would grumble, but every time I thought of my weight and eating, I became even more numb to the discomfort of not eating.

To survive being weak, I munched and took small bites of food.  But for a while, and I don’t remember how long, I ate at the most a small single meal a day.  My anorexia progressed into bulimia at moments I had no self control and binged on food.  But this didn’t happen that frequently.  I was always afraid someone at home would notice me running to the bathroom after my meals and would catch on to my habits.

The meaning of my eating disorder changed as I got older.  I noticed that the pressures of high school and adolescence played a key role in controlling my habits.  Overall I was conscious that my problem was bad and what the repercussions of what I was doing could mean in the long run.  So I found ways to control it.

Later on, when I played sports in high school I started to feel comfortable with my body.  I was eating regularly and somehow forgot I had a problem.  When I would recall my passed I thought of it as a phase in my life that I overcame.  Then a long while something had sparked my need to binge and purge.  That only happened when I felt defeated in my life, when I was having my lows or when someone put me down, the same way my family made me feel.

During college I became more aware of the reasons that spurred my eating disorder.  I studied my culture, the history behind my family and community and became more tolerant of the harsh criticism I got as a child and teenager because the ignorance of my family wasn’t their fault.

Every culture has an idea of what beautiful and happiness means.  Unfortunately the general population views it in a western way.  Its unavoidable, its taught, its lived but I found the self control of my eating disorder through decolonizing myself.  If that makes any sense.

Talking about eating disorders is not an easy thing.  There are people out there who suffer and die because of anorexia and bulimia.  I still have urges, but it takes a great deal of will power to stop myself from doing something so damaging to my body.  My point in writing this is that it is possible to have control over your life and your health.  I only hope Asian American men and women  can relate to this story, learn from the story and someday share their stories.  The Asian culture rarely speaks out about these issues but hearing and supporting each other is one thing that can definitely help in discussing serious health issues in our community.  Lets stop this culture of not talking about what embarrasses or hurts us.